People Please / Fawn
The fawn response is one of the lesser-known reactions to trauma and stress. More often, we recognise fight, flight, or freeze as survival responses. In this blog, I will discuss the fawn response, its origins, how it manifests, and strategies for managing and overcoming this people-pleasing behaviour.
What is IT?
The fawn response is a coping mechanism where we respond to threats or stress by seeking to please others, placate, or avoid conflict. It’s a way of ensuring safety by aligning with perceived threats or authority figures. This behaviour often develops in childhood environments where pleasing caregivers was necessary for emotional or physical survival and acceptance.
HOW DOES IT LOOK LIKE?
An example we could consider is Genie from Disney’s movie Aladdin. Genie demonstrates people-pleasing behaviour through his character and actions. Some ways we can see him do this are:
Desire to Please
Genie’s primary goal is to make Alladin happy, and he goes above and beyond to fulfil his wishes. This was not just because of his duty but because he also genuinely cared about Aladdin’s happiness and success.
Avoidant of Conflict
Genie tried to avoid conflict wherever possible. Whenever he was confronted with difficult situations, he would try and maintain a positive and helpful demeanour. He would often refrain from being direct or honest in what he thought about Aladdin’s choices.
Fear of Rejection
Genie expresses fear of rejection and a deep desire for friendship and acceptance from Aladdin. This is shown in his initial interaction with Aladdin where he is ecstatic about the possibility of gaining a friend. His willingness to do anything to make Aladdin happy reflects his underlying fear of being rejected or abandoned if he doesn’t comply with Aladdin's wishes.
Sacrificing Needs
Throughout the movie, Genie often puts Aladdin’s needs and desires above his own. Despite his longing for freedom, he prioritises Aladdin’s wishes and goals. This is particularly evident when he respects Aladdin’s wishes even when they are detrimental to his own desire for freedom.
Seeking Validation
Genie derives a sense of worth and validation externally through his ability to serve and please others. His grand and showy nature in presenting the wishes is not just about the magic but also about gaining approval and admiration from those he serves. He thrives on the positive reactions and appreciation from others.
CAUSES of the fawn response
Childhood Trauma: growing up in an environment where we needed to prioritise other’s emotional and physical needs.
Chronic Stress: prolonged exposure to stressful situations where conflict and disagreements continuously led to negative outcomes.
Low Self-Esteem: feeling unworthy or fearing rejection if you don’t meet other's’ expectations.
Co-dependency: developing a reliance on others for validation and self-worth.
Strategies
Some strategies can include developing self-awareness of when we engage in fawn responses. On a very human level, we all desire to be accepted. Having some people-pleasing tendencies is normal especially when we are all trying to fit in and make sense of how we belong in this world. It is normal for us to want to be selfless and helpful, especially to those we care about. Of course, if we over-do it, we could soon feel resentful, obligated and even burnt out.
It is helpful to consider developing our own boundaries so that we teach ourselves not to over-do it. It would require practicing how to be more assertive, being mindful of our limitations and practicing self-compassion as it can be a hard behaviour to shift. Therapy can help support you in developing your awareness and putting theory into practice. We could also practice redirecting that people-pleasing tendency by turning that inwards through self-compassion and self-care. Do for yourself what you would do willingly for others. See how it feels and recognise that every individual is responsible for their own needs.
Ultimately, the fawn response is a survival mechanism that can become deeply ingrained, but with awareness and effort, it is possible to break free from this pattern. By understanding where it comes from and implementing strategies to manage it, you can develop healthier relationships and a stronger sense of self.
