Retroactive Jealousy

Retroactive jealousy is an emotional response that happen when we feel insecure or jealous about our partner’s past relationships or experiences. It can cause us to obsess about it, have negative thoughts and feelings, often straining our current relationship.

Being jealous or uncomfortable about our partner’s past is very natural. With retroactive jealousy, it is different in that we can find ourselves fixating on the details about our partner’s exes, their past shared experiences, which ultimately can leave us feeling inadequate in contrast.

Research completed by Blayney and Burgess (2023) talk about how retroactive jealousy is an unhealthy interest in our partner’s romantic/sexual history that has a detrimental effect on us and our relationship. It is very common that people seek therapy to address retroactive jealousy as reassurance and validation from their partner is often not enough. The motivation to know more was suggested to be related to wanting to form a deeper connection with their partner by understanding their thinking, behaviour and choices, at a time before them. Although it can come from genuine intentions, the information gained can cause comparison, and devaluing of our partner and the relationship.

In therapy, what can be useful is to address the feelings that come up as a result of the retroactive jealousy and find ways to soothe these heightened emotions. It could also involve recognising our core values, our partner’s values and making decisions that are aligned with these core values. This creates an environment of safety to share and connect whilst honouring the relationship.